i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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