the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
