I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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