I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
