I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
