Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
