after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
