I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
