Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
