My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
