I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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