I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
