Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
