I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
