Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I smell stomach acid.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
