I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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