I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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