I can text with my tongue
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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