True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
