I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
