Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
