Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
