WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
