I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
