idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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