I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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