if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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