you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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