Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
