i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
