Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
