I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
