You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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