party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
