there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
