me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
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