No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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