Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
