this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
cat food counts as protein by the way
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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