i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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