So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
he puts the penis in happiness.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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