just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
