So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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