Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
