this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
