im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
