when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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