saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
