i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
