Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
