Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
