I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
