At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
