I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
